


We're Fucked and Don't Care at All

by parxandrilex



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Highschool AU, M/M, Self Harm, a fuckton of drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-07 23:37:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13445814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parxandrilex/pseuds/parxandrilex
Summary: Alex, Jack, Rian, and Zack, are four extremely messed up teenagers about to graduate from high school. They've all been incredibly broken for the last four years, and they've given up on trying to fix themselves. They're working on fixing each other now, however that's not always how things work out.Almost every chapter will contain at least one of the following: drug use, eating disorders, self harm, and/or suicide attempts. Please, read with caution.Title taken from Made in America by Waterparks





	1. Chapter 1

“Alex!” I hear Jack yell at me. I stop and turn around until he catches up. “Where are you going?” He asks, putting his arm around me and taking a drag from his cigarette.

“Rian’s.” Rian hasn’t been at school in days, and even though I doubt he’s home, I have no other options.

“Want me to come with?”

“I can do it. Where’s Zack?” I ask Jack.

“Hotboxing his car.”

“Oh.” Jack walks with me until I get to Rian’s house. “Call me if you need anything. See ya, Lex,” he waves, finishing off his cigarette. I walk up to Rian’s door and knock slowly. His mom answers.

“Hey, Alex, Rian isn’t here right now.”

“Do you know where he is?” I ask.

“Haven’t seen him for days,” she shrugs. It makes sense, none of our parents, other than Zack’s, ever care where we are. I leave his house and pull out my phone and vape pen. I inhale some smoke before calling Jack.

“What’s up, Lex?”

“Can you drive me home?”

“I’m getting high with Zack. Come meet us across the street from the school and I’ll take you home when we’re done.”

“Thanks.” I take the twenty minute walk to vape until I run out of juice, and thinking about Rian.

I find Zack’s car which is filled with smoke. I climb in the backseat and Zack hands me the blunt.

“No Rian?” Jack asks me.

“No.”

“Hey, this happened a couple of months ago and he turned out to be fine. He’ll be okay,” Zack tries to reassure me.

“I guess.”

“I should probably take Alex and myself home before this kicks in,” Jack says to Zack, and hands me his keys. “You can go, I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Thanks for the blunt,” I tell Zack, climbing out of his car. I walk to Jack’s and light one of his “hidden” cigarettes, even though I’ve probably had enough nicotine for the day.

“Hey, those are mine,” Jack says when he gets in a few minutes later.

“I’m out of vape juice. Remind me to tell Zack to get me more.” Jack nods and starts up his car.

“How are you doing?” He asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I know you’re having problems with Rian being gone,” he explains.

“No, I’m not,” I argue. Jack sighs, but doesn’t say anything else. “You can just drop me off here.”

“Are you sure? Your house is only, like, two blocks away, I can drive you.”

“It’s fine, thanks, Jack.”

“It’s alright, Lex. See you tomorrow.” I get out of his car and start walking, pulling out my phone. Once it goes to voicemail, I say,

“Hey, Ri-Ri. I don’t know where you are, and I know that you’ve done this before, but I’m really worried about you. If you wanna call me back, that’d be nice. I don’t really know what else to say. I hope you come back soon. I love you.” I hang up, and finish the walk to my house.

No one else is home, thankfully, so I can think in peace. I text Zack, asking him to get me my vape juice, promising to pay tomorrow. Zack is the only one of us who has a drug dealer, so we always have to go through him.

We all have our ways of self-destruction. I vape, Jack smokes, Rian drinks, and Zack smokes pot. We’ve all attempted suicide at least twice. We all still self harm except for Rian, and Jack and I both have eating disorders.

We’re all just really fucked up, and barely surviving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: implication of anorexia and bulimia

Rian still isn’t at school the next day. In fact, the only good part of the day is that Zack got me more vape juice.

“Do you have any food?” Zack asks me at lunch, taking a hit from his blunt.

“Uh, yeah,” I look in my backpack and pull out seven peanut butter cups, two huge bags of chips, and three brownies; two hash and one not. Zack takes one of the chips and three peanut butter cups and I take the pot brownies. “Want one?” I ask Jack.

“Uh, sure.” He examines it and then asks, “What’s in it?”

“Pot.” He rolls his eyes at me.

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t know. Just shut up and eat it.” Jack takes a moment, then slowly takes a bite. He eats half of it, and gives the rest back to me. I eat that and the other one, and then the rest of my remaining food. “I’ll meet you guys in English,” I tell them. I get up and find the nearest bathroom and puke until nothing remains. I wipe my mouth and lean up against the wall, my sweaty hair sticking to my head. I push it back with my arm and get up to wash my hands. I look myself in the mirror. I look like shit. I usually brush my teeth after that, but Rian’s not here so I’m not going to be kissing anyone, and I also just can’t be bothered.

“I don’t feel good,” Jack says once I get to class.

“Well, you shouldn’t have eaten that edible on an empty stomach, dumbass,” I tell him.

“Your breath smells fucking awful,” is all he responds with.

By my last class, Jack and Zack are high out of their minds. I wish I was, but I was fucking stupid and threw up the brownie before it could hit me. Anyways, when I walk in, Jack is crying.

“Hey, where’s Zack? What’s wrong?” I ask him.

“He went to the bathroom and I’m crying because I miss him.”

“Aw,” I say sitting down, rubbing his back. Zack comes back and asks me what’s wrong with Jack. “He missed you,” I answer. Zack kisses the top of Jack’s head and sits down next to him.

“I’m back, baby, it’s okay.” Jack starts crying more. “What’s wrong now?”

“You’re just so fucking pretty,” he responds. Zack smiles and turns to his work.

“You’re so cute,” I say sarcastically. They really are, but they’re both so stoned right now, I’m having trouble taking them seriously.

After school is over, they take forever to get their stuff, so I walk ahead of them, ready for this fucking awful day to be over.

Jack and Zack do catch up to me, and Jack asks if I want to hang out with them. I agree, but tell them I’m driving. We get in Jack’s car and I make the drive to Zack’s house. As soon as we get to his room, I pull out my vape pen because I’m in desperate need of some stress relief. I sit down on his beanbag chair and try to have a normal conversation with them, but soon realize it’s worthless. I get up to use the bathroom, and when I come back, I look into Zack’s room, and they’re sitting on his floor, making out. I sigh, and decide to leave them alone and just go home.

I wait at the bus stop and dig around in my backpack for my vape pen.

“Fuck,” I mutter, realizing I probably left it in Zack’s room. I get on the bus and sit silently, turning on my music. My phone goes off after ten minutes, interrupting

 **Jack Barakat** \- _where did you go?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _im going home_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _why?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _didnt want to interrupt_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _I’m coming over_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _jack dont im fine_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _no you’re not_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _u shouldnt drive when ur that high_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _I’ll be fine see you in twenty_

I sigh and put my phone down. I really do want Jack to come over, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience to him. I’m sure he has a lot better things to do then hang out with his depressed best friend. Such as, making out with his depressed boyfriend.

Jack gets to my house about ten minutes after I do, and finds me laying in my bed.

“Hey, you left this at Zack’s,” he says, handing me the vape.

“Oh, thanks,” I say, softly, putting it on my shelf. Jack comes and lies down next to me.

“How are you doing?” He asks, quietly.

“I’m good.”

“I know you’re not.”

“Then why do you ask?”

“Because I care about you, Alex. And, I keep hoping that maybe someday, you’ll actually fucking talk to me about something. The last time we actually had a deep conversation about you was when I broke up with you in the ninth grade.”

“That’s not true. I told you about when I tried to kill myself in eleventh,” I defend myself.

“No. You said ‘Hey, last night I almost died’, and then changed the subject and refused to talk about it.”

“Why do you even care so much?” I ask.

“Because you’re my best friend!” He yells.

“I’m sorry, Jack.” He sighs.

“I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too.”

“Do you want me to sleep over tonight?” It’s not really a question of if I want him too, but that I need him too.

“Yes. Please.”


	3. Chapter 3

A couple of days later, I’m at my locker, when someone hugs me from behind and whispers,

“I’m so sorry.” I turn around and yell,

“Rian!” I hug him so tightly I’m surprised that he can breathe.

“We gotta get to class,” he says.

“But, Rian, you just disappeared for a fucking week, and now you’re leaving?” I ask.

“We’ll talk at lunch, I promise.”

Lunch couldn’t come soon enough. Finally, I’m sitting with Jack, Rian, and Zack in the grass while Jack smokes his cigarettes, Zack smokes his blunt, and Rian and I trade my vape pen back and forth. After a few minutes, Zack says,

“Hey, Jack, do you want to go smoke by those trees? It’s quieter over there.” What he said made absolutely no sense, it’s going to be the same volume everywhere around here, but I’m grateful for what he’s trying to do.

“So,” Rian starts once they’re gone. 

“So. What the hell?”

“I was at my friend Dallas’s. She’s in college right now, and so I snuck into her apartment to get drunk for a week. I needed a break, you know?” He explains.

“And you couldn’t have even left me just a fucking text saying that you were okay? It’s not like I never gave you the chance, Rian. I called you and left you a voicemail.” I’m not as angry with Rian as I seem, as much as I wish I could be, I just can’t find it in myself.

“I know, Alex, I know. I’m sorry.” My eyes start burning, and that’s when I get angry because I don’t want Rian to know how much I missed him.

“Fuck,” I whisper, trying to wipe my tears. It doesn’t work, and soon I’m just ugly crying.

“Lexy, sh, shhh,” Rian scoots closer to me and puts his arm around, pulling me to him. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m back now.” I grab my vape as I need to destress, and after a couple of minutes of inhaling nicotine, I calm down a little.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry for leaving. I should have at least told you I was going to be gone. Do you forgive me?”

“I can’t be mad at you,” I sigh. Rian smiles and says,

“Now, I haven’t kissed you for a week. Can I?”

“Yeah. Of course.” He kisses me, and I can’t tell you how much I missed it. Once he pulls away, I complain, “Well, don’t stop.” He laughs a little bit and kisses me until Jack yells,

“Get a room, boys!” Him and Zack come back to join us and for awhile, everything feels normal.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: implication of anorexia, bulimia, and burning

“We should get back to class,” Rian points out at the end of lunch.

“Zack, help me get up,” Jack says. Zack helps him stand up, and Jack immediately falls up against his shoulder than back on the ground.

“Jack!” I yell.

“Shhh, it’s okay, he’ll be fine. This is the third time this week,” Zack admits.

“That’s not fine, Zack!” I yell at him. “Why is nobody freaking out except for me? I don’t know if you guys noticed, but Jack just passed out!” Zack picks him up and tries to reassure me.

“I’m going to get him to eat when he wakes up. He’s going to be fine, Alex. I promise. I won’t let anything happen to him.”

“Okay…,” I mutter. Rian takes my hand and we walk in together.

I don't see him again until next period.

“How are you doing?” He asks when we sit down.

“I’m pretty good,” I tell him.

“You’re not, Alex,” he whispers.

“No, I am. I haven’t puked in, like, a month.”

“That’s a fucking lie, Alexander. It’s one thing to just not tell me, but stop straight-up lying. I’m done,” he says, moving his things to the table across the room. I sigh and pull out my notebook, trying to not think about Rian.

After class, I go to Zack’s car and get in the front seat as Jack is still chilling in the back.

“Morning, sunshine,” I say to him, taking the cigarette from his fingers and taking a drag.

“Shut up and give that back.”

“Someone woke up in a good mood.” Jack rolls his eyes and I turn to Zack. “So, what are you guys doing?”

“Isn’t class still going on?” Zack asks.

“Probably. So, what are you guys doing?” I repeat.

“Going to get chicken nuggets.”

“I’m in,” I respond. Zack shrugs and starts his car.

"So where's Rian?" He asks.

"I'm assuming still in school." Zack looks at me weird, but doesn't press.

Jack doesn’t even end up getting chicken nuggets, so I don’t know what the point was. He shares a small fry with Zack, Zack gets ten nuggets. I order twenty, a large fry, and a chocolate milkshake.

“Are you going to eat all of that?” Zack asks me.

“That’s a dumb question,” Jack quietly states. I don’t know why Zack still underestimates me, because I’m finished in less than fifteen minutes.

“I’ll be back,” I say. Jack rolls his eyes and Zack just sighs.

I get into the bathroom as quick as I possibly can and shove my fingers down my throat. After I’ve finished puking, I wash my hands and then I really examine myself in the mirror. I pull up my shirt and look at my stomach. I haven’t lost any noticeable weight in almost five months, and it’s upsetting me more than I would like. I leave the bathroom and go back to the table with Jack and Zack.

“Do you want me to drive you home, Lex?” Jack asks.

“It’s okay, I’m going to walk.”

“Alex, it’s like six miles.”

“I’ll be fine. Bye guys.” I exit and start running as fast as I possibly can. I’m about a mile and a quarter in when I start getting lightheaded. I’m already so dehydrated from throwing up so much, that combined with sweating incredibly hard, this is probably super dangerous. I take a moment and let myself breathe, and then keep going. By three miles, my vision’s going black and I collapse onto the grass. I run my fingers through my hair and mutter “gross.”

I give up and walk slowly to the nearest bus stop. I get on and put my head between my knees, telling myself over and over that I’m almost home.

When I get home, I turn on the sink and drink straight from there until my heart stops beating so fast. I go upstairs and lie down, because now I have a massive fucking headache.

I wake up about an hour later, feeling better, so I lean over to grab my phone so I can text Rian. Then, I remember that he's mad at me.

I hate that I can’t even tell Rian these things. Zack told me that Rian thinks I don’t trust him, which isn’t true at all. I would trust Rian with my entire life, but I can’t tell him about these things. It hurts him too bad. I wish I could, though.

I get really, really frustrated which leads me to my drawer. I pull out my hair straightener and plug it on low. As much self-hatred as I have, I’m still not stupid enough to give myself third degree burns.

After my eyes start watering like crazy, I finally turn it off.

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _hey_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _hi_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _are u still mad at me_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _not really. I just worry about you so FUCKING MUCH Alex_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _i know_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _im sorry_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _tell me what’s going on?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** - _i puked and then burned myself_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _Lexy…_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _do you want me to come over?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _yes but i dont want to be a bother to u_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _you could never. tomorrow’s Friday, so how about I stay the weekend?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _ok ill see u tomorrow_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _Alex_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _yes_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _I love you_

 **Alex Gaskarth** - _i love u <3_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't usually do author's notes or anything, but something hit me yesterday. i was watching criminal minds and there was this episode where (they thought) there was a mass teen suicide going on. this hit me a lot, and i couldn't stop thinking about it.
> 
> i thought it was appropriate to add this to this story, one that's so heavily based off of the idea of teenage depression (ironically this is one of the less depressing chapters in here).
> 
> i know i don't have a huge reading with this story, and that this might not affect anybody but i want to try.
> 
> i was hospitalized when i was fifteen, and i met so many teenagers just like me. the way some of those boys told me they tried to kill themselves still haunts me. i couldn't imagine a world without some of them, and i had only known them for a couple of days at that point.
> 
> you don't realize the affect you can have on people. you don't realize that there are people out there who think your life is so important. the person who thinks this might not be you, but one day it will be.
> 
> you are important. you are special. maybe you won't have an impact on the world, but i promise there is someone out there who doesn't want to imagine their life without you. someone cares about you, and if you can't think of a single person, seek that person out. you are not alone. people want you to get better. i want you to get better.
> 
> i know i'm a just a sixteen year old boy on the internet who writes fanfiction a few people enjoy, but i'm here for you. you are loved and wanted.
> 
> stay safe tonight.

**Jack Barakat** \- _guys we should have a surprised party for Zack this Saturday since he’s gonna be eighteen_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _my parents won’t be here this weekend so we can have it at my place_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _yeah!_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _aw yes_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _Alex can you make a cake?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _of course_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _and Rian?_

 **Rian Dawson** \- _yeah yeah I’ve got the drinks_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _thanks guys!_

Four days later, Zack’s party happens. It’s pretty good, but Rian and Zack end up wasted as hell. Jack and I shared a bottle, but considering how we generally both have fairly empty stomachs, we’re trying to avoid alcohol poisoning.

“Being eighteen is fucking weird,” Zack slurs.

“Yeah. Probably more so when you start it being drunk out of your mind,” I comment.

“Babe, can you get me another drink?” Rian asks me.

“No, you’re already going to puke all over me tomorrow. I’m not adding to that,” I respond.

“Alex, don’t you puke a lot already?” Zack added.

“Shut up, Zack. Your boyfriend’s a dick when he’s drunk,” I say the last part to Jack.

“I know.”

“I’m horny,” Zack randomly states.

“Thank you for sharing,” I tell him, “I’m done. I’m going to sleep.”

“Wait, me too,” Rian says trying to get up, but keeps falling back down.

“You’re going to end up killing yourself,” I sigh, helping him stand up.

“My brother says you can sleep in his room since he’s not here as long as there’s no sex,” Jack says to me.

“Yeah, right,” I roll my eyes. I make sure Rian gets upstairs before going back down to get water for him.

“Alex, I’m cold,” he complains once I get back upstairs. I get into bed with him, and give him my blanket. “No, no, you need that,” he refuses.

“I’ll be fine, love. Just try to sleep, okay?”

“I love you, Alexander William Gaskarth,” he says, already almost asleep.

“I love you, Rian,” I whisper.

The next morning, Rian just barely avoids puking on me, and makes it into a trashcan conveniently placed right next to the bed.

“How is it that you’ve been drunk so many times, but you’re still not immune to hangovers?” I ask him.

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” he says, finishing the water I gave him. “Fuck, I feel awful, dude.”

“I’ll go see if Jack has any Advil,” I sigh and get out of bed.

I make my way across the hall and into Jack’s bathroom. I find medicine, and give it to Rian.

“I’m going to go see if Jack’s awake,” I tell him, then leaving to go downstairs. He’s in the kitchen with an also very hungover Zack.

“I’m going home, ask Rian if he wants a ride,” Zack says to me.

“Uh, are you going to be safe to drive?” I ask.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Rian, do you want a ride home?” I yell up the stairs. Within a couple of minutes, Rian stumbles down the stairs.

“You don’t have to be so loud,” he complains.

“And you didn’t have to drink so much,” I shoot back at him.

Shortly after, him and Zack leave, and I’m alone with Jack.

“Is it okay if I stay here for awhile?” I ask him.

“Don’t be stupid. Of course you can.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how are you doing?” He asks me.

“Okay, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah, it just makes me sad to see Rian that drunk, and then be in that much pain,” I admit to Jack.

“I get it. I’m sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be.”

“So, are you and Rian coming with Zack and I to prom next week?” Jack asks, changing the subject.

“I didn’t think of that. Probably.”

“Maybe you’ll get lucky,” Jack says, winking.

“Shut up. Having your first time be right after prom is so tacky,” I tell him.

“Wait, Alex, are you a virgin?” He asks, seriously.

“Don’t you think I’d tell you if I had had sex?”

“Maybe. I didn’t tell you the first time I did.”

“Wasn’t it with Zack?” I question.

“Yeah. But I didn’t tell you when. It was before we even started dating.”

“Jack, you’re my best friend and I love you, but I don’t need to know the details of the first time you had a fuck.”

“Yeah. Especially because you’d be mad,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“You know how at the beginning of junior year you invited Zack and I to sleep over?”

“Yeah…,” I say, slowly.

“And how you fell asleep in the living room, so we slept in your room?” He continues

“Wait…the first time you fucked was in my bed?!” Jack’s laughing so hard that he’s having trouble even breathing. “I hate you so much.”

“Hey, we changed your sheets at least,” he tries to defend himself.

“Fuck you,” is all I respond with.

“Come here,” he says, holding his arms out to me and I reluctantly hug him. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too, but I don’t think I can ever look at you or Zack the same way again.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: really, really, slight homophobia and an anxiety attack. not really a trigger, but a fair amount of sexual content.

I push my hair back and take a deep breath. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so nervous, but I’m also not completely hating how I look right now. I found a nice enough black shirt in my brother’s room and some black jeans from my closet. I have to wear my converse, but they’re still black so at least they look okay (unlike my hair, which is half pink and not looking good with my outfit). I grab the black tie on my bed that I also found from my brother’s room, and attempt to make it look okay.

I’ve been standing there for at least twenty-five minutes, and Jack’s about to be here, so I run downstairs, hoping nobody will see me. However, that’s of course not what happens, and my sister is down there.

“Where are you going dressed like that?” She asks.

“Uh, prom.”

“With who?”

“Jack and some of his friends.” My family knows Jack the best, so I know saying that I’m going with him will cause the least suspicion. 

“Oh. Have fun, Alex.”

“I will. Thank you.” My sisters and my parents rarely interact with me, so that was surprising. Nice, but surprising.

I walk outside where Jack is pulling up. He rolls down his window and says,

“Damn, we got a handsome boy.” I blush slightly and get into his car.

“Do you think Rian will think so?” I ask. 

“Of course. If he doesn’t, I might have to take you back,” he says, winking.

“Shut up,” I say, laughing slightly, “I’m not sure how Zack would feel about that.” Jack smiles and I sigh and lean back in my chair.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Yeah, yeah, no, I’m fine. I’m just really nervous. I’ve never been, like, this gay in public.”

“It’ll be okay. You’ll be fine,” he tries to reassure me.

“I hope so.” Jack pulls up to the school and parks in his usual parking spot. Right next to Zack’s car. Him and Rian are already standing outside, but they’re on the other side of Zack’s car, so they didn’t see us yet. “Holy fuck, Rian looks so beautiful. I can’t do this he looks too pretty, I can’t live up to that.”

“Alex, shhh, stop it. You look amazing and Rian will think so too. Stop worrying, it’s going to be fine.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.” I get out of Jack’s car and Zack half-yells,

“Jack and Alex are here!” I hug Rian tightly and whisper,

“You look beautiful.”

“Look who’s talking, baby. You’re so pretty,” he responds. I blush profusely and slip my hand into his. We walk in with Jack and Zack, and as soon as we get into the building, I drop his hand. He looks a little hurt, and I can’t say that I blame him, but I can’t do it.

I’m immediately overwhelmed by everything in there. Everything is really fucking loud and bright and I hate it. It doesn’t help when Rian asks,

“No one’s even paying attention, why can’t we just hold hands?”

“Because it makes me uncomfortable,” I say.

“Alex, I’m pretty sure most of the school by now has realized that we’re dating,” he points out.

“Fine, we can hold hands.”

“Well, I don’t want to if you don’t really want to.”

“Then why did you make such a big deal out of it?” I say, half to myself. Rian sighs.

“Look, Lexy, I don’t want to fight on our only prom night. Let’s just go find Jack and Zack and hang out with them, okay?”

“I’m sorry, Rian, I’m really sorry,” I tell him.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I was annoying you about it.” 

We find Jack and Zack by the food, where Zack has discovered the punch is spiked. I notice him and Rian only have a cup of it each, which I find slightly odd. Usually when there’s alcohol around, they both drink enough to get well over the amount to get drunk. Not that I’m complaining, it makes me happy they’re both still fairly sober, it’s just out of character for them.

I end up having a good time. I only get called “faggot” once, and I count that as a victory. I even let Rian kiss me a couple of times. I forget sometimes how much I love my friends.

Zack even invites us to hang out with him and Jack after we leave prom (although, they look extremely relieved when Rian tells him me and him are going to his house instead).

“Do you at least want a ride?” Jack asks.

“We can walk. Thanks. Bye, guys,” Rian says. I hug Jack and Zack and then walk with Rian.

“I’m really, really sorry for freaking out about the hand holding,” I tell him.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I pushed you so much. I just…,” he stops midsentence.

“You just what?” I prompt.

“Sometimes I just get really scared that you don’t love me as much as I love you and that’s really stupid because I know you love me. It’s just an irrational fear of mine,” Rian admits. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and grab him by the waist and kiss him until I can’t breathe.

“Rian, I love you so fucking much. You are one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. You’ve helped me find a purpose in life. You make me so happy. I know I don’t show it as much as I should. But, I’m in love with you, okay?” I tell him.

“I’m in love with you too,” he says quietly. The rest of the walk to his house is quiet. “No one’s home tonight, so we can hang out wherever,” he says when we get there. We end up in his room anyways, because that’s where we always are.

“Can I ask you something?” I eventually say.

“Yeah, what’s up, babe?”

“You only drank one cup of the alcohol at prom. Same with Zack. Obviously, it’s not like I mind, I’m just wondering, why?” Rian is silent for a minute.

“It’s nothing.”

“Really? After a whole minute of thinking, that’s all you came up with?” I ask. I know I sound rude, but I don’t understand what the big deal is.

“Alex, come here for a second.” Confused, I get up from his beanbag chair and lay on his bed next to him. “Can I kiss you?”

“Well, yeah, of course you can. You don’t have to ask.” He nods and pulls me slightly closer and kisses me.

“Can I touch you?”

“What do you mean?” He sits up puts his hand on my jaw, then moves it slowly down to my neck, and then waist. “Yeah, uh, that’s fine.” He kisses me again, then slides his hand up my shirt. 

I get it now. Why Rian stayed pretty sober, why he keeps asking me these questions. Rian wants to sleep with me. 

I sit up to face him, slowly take off my shirt, feeling extremely self-conscious because Rian has never seen me shirtless before, and I hate my body so much. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Rian states before pushing me against his wall and kissing me again. I succeed in taking off his shirt, so he starts working on my jeans. 

Soon, we’re both only in our boxers and Rian’s straddling me. Our kissing became way more intense and he has his fingers tangled in my hair. 

Rian’s other hand gets dangerously close to my dick, and I start hyperventilating.

“Alex, shit, fuck, I’m, so, so, sorry. I’m sorry, baby, please calm down,” he pleads. I sit up, terrified I’m going to throw up, or pass out.

After a few more minutes, I’ve managed to breathe again, but I start crying because I hate myself for doing that.

Rian hands me my clothes and I slowly put them back on, trying to stop crying so much.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I want to do that. I’m just terrified.”

“Alex, baby, it’s okay. Calm down. You’re okay, I promise. I should’ve asked you before doing…that. I didn’t mean to push it so hard.”

“Rian, I really, really want to have sex with you. I should be ready. I’m eighteen fucking years old and I’ve been dating you for almost a year and a half. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” I tell him.

“You don’t need to be sorry. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just hate myself for having a fucking anxiety attack and then crying in front of you.”

“Hey, come here,” he says. I lean in towards him and he holds me tightly. “Don’t ever hate yourself for that, okay? I love you so much. I just want you to feel safe with me. You know I would never force you to do anything, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I do know that. I trust you, Rian. And, I love you.”

“I love you, Alex.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: none. this chapter is just a short filler with cute rilex because i promise shit is going to go down real soon.

I wake up pressed against Rian’s chest. I shift upwards and kiss him lightly. He moans slightly and mutters,

“Morning, baby,” before flipping over to the other side.

“Don’t go back to sleep,” I say.

“I’m not,” he responds, already half-asleep. I push him as far as I can to the end of the bed without him completely falling off. “Okay, okay, I’m up,” he says, once half of his body’s on the floor. “What do you want to do?”

“Change clothes. I slept in my prom clothes and I’m done with them,” I say.

“Okay. I’m pretty sure half of the clothes in my closet are yours anyways,” he tells me. I get up and grab a hoodie (which is mine) and some shorts.

“Uh, don’t look for a second,” I tell him, and change my clothes as fast as I can. “It’s so cold in here,” I complain.

“Come here, baby, I’ll keep you warm,” Rian says. I get back into his bed with him, and he holds me close. “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too.” He plays with my hair silently until he says, “I’m going to fucking marry you, Alex Gaskarth.” I giggle a little bit.

“Really?”

“I promise you. I’m never going to find a more amazing or cuter boy,” he tells me.

“You mean that?” I ask, turning around so I can face him.

“I do.”

“Then, I’ll marry you someday, Rian Dawson. I swear it.” I don’t think I’ve ever meant anything more.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: none. just short and fucked up

My parents left for almost a month, claiming to just be on a “long vacation”. However, I know they just need an excuse to miss my graduation. My sisters don’t ever want anything to do with me, so they went to stay with their boyfriends. The point is, I have the house to myself for a really long time.

Naturally, the first thing I do is invite Rian and Jack over (Zack’s parents found his weed…again, and he’s grounded for a week).

Like the stupid, teenage boys we are, we’re awake at three in the morning playing truth or dare. 

“Uh, Alex, truth or dare?” Jack asks.

“Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss me,” he says, smirking.

“Is that okay?” I turn to Rian.

“Three seconds, max.” I go back to Jack and slowly lean into him. The kiss couldn’t have lasted more than two seconds, but I notice something. The last time I kissed Jack, I was fourteen years old. Obviously, he’s improved a lot since then, but I can’t get the kiss out of my mind.

“Okay, Rian, truth or dare?” I say, trying my hardest not to think about what just happened.

“Actually, do you mind if I take a shower? It’s been days.”

“Oh, yeah, go for it.” I wait for Rian to leave before talking to Jack. “So,” I start.

“Th-that was good.”

“Yeah.”

“I want to-…”

“Jack.” Before he can respond, I’m kissing him. He tangles his fingers in my hair and pulls me closer to him, and I can’t think about anything else.

I guess Rian forgot his clothes in my room before he went to shower.


	9. Chapter 9

“Rian, I’m so sorry…,” I start. Rian slams my bedroom door shut. “Fuck,” I mutter.

“Alex, I’m sorry,” Jack says as I stand up.

“Not your fault,” I say, leaving my room and going to find Rian.

I find him standing by my front door, silent.

“I know you saw that. And, I know there’s no way to explain it or excuse it. I’m sorry, Rian. I know there’s not much I can do to make it up, but that’s a start.” Rian continues staring straight ahead, not even acknowledging I’m there. “I know you’re mad and I understand, but please, say something?”

“I wanted you to not kiss another boy, and you wanted me to talk to you. We don’t always get what we want,” he responds, not looking at me.

“I know, I know. I fucked up so badly, and I’m not denying it at all, but can we talk this through?” He pays me no attention, and I just sigh. “I’m going to go back upstairs, I guess. Maybe we can talk tomorrow,” I tell him, turning around.

“Great, you and him can go up there and have sex. Hey, maybe this time, you won’t have a panic attack.” I totally deserved that, but not gonna lie, that hurt a little bit.

“That was kind of fucked,” I mumble.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” As angry as he sounds, he also sounded genuine, so I decide to let it go for now. “Can you ask Jack to bring me a few cigarettes?”

“Yeah.” I head back upstairs where I find Jack smoking. “Rian wants some,” I tell him. I wait for Jack to come back upstairs, trying to figure out what to say to him.

By the time he gets back, I still don’t know. We sit in awkward silence for awhile before Jack speaks up.

“We can’t just pretend that didn’t happen.” He’s right, there’s no way to avoid this.

“I know,” I sigh. “What did that kiss mean?”

“I don’t know, Alex. Maybe we won’t ever know.”

For some reason, Rian didn’t end up telling Zack. Zack came into school on Monday, not knowing his boyfriend cheated on him with one of his best friends.

Going through my day without being able to talk to Rian is awful. By lunch, I’m done.

“I think I’m going to go home,” I tell Jack and Zack.

“Need a ride?” Jack asks me.

“Yes, please.”

“I’ll be back,” he says to Zack, “Alex and I need to talk.” I find Jack’s car and sit silently, not knowing what to say to him. “Alex, can we agree that they kiss meant nothing? It was a good kiss, really good, and it was a stupid thing we did, but it means nothing, right?”

“I-I’m not sure,” I admit.

“What do you mean? Lex, I haven’t had feelings for you since the end of ninth grade. What are you saying?”

“I got over you by tenth grade. But, that doesn’t mean I stopped liking you completely. Obviously, I like Rian so much more, I’m fucking in love with him. But, that kiss meant something to me, I guess.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jack finally says.

“I’m sorry. I get if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

“Alex, you’ve been my best friend for four years, this isn’t going to change anything. I just need some time to process. Also, I need to tell Zack. You should tell Rian what you told me…it wouldn’t be fair to him.” I sigh because Jack’s right and I hate that.

“Thanks for driving me home. I need time to think about things. I’ll see you in a few days,” I say, getting out of his car.

“Hey, Alex?"

“Yeah?”

“I love you, dude.”

“I love you too,” I say, shutting his door. I run upstairs to my bedroom and vape until I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all ability to breathe. I lay back on my bed and end up taking a depression nap.

I’m woken up by my phone vibrating.

 **Zack Merrick** \- _Did Rian come to your house?_

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _no hes mad at me_

 **Zack Merrick** \- _He’s not in tech so I’m just wondering._

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _oh_

 **Zack Merrick** \- _Jack and I will go to his house after school._

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _ok thanks_

I shouldn’t care, but I do. And, I care even more when Zack texts me about an hour and a half later.

 **Zack Merrick** \- _Rian’s in the hospital._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied mention of suicide attempt

I have to read Zack’s text at least three times before it really sets in. I drop my phone and try to process what the hell happened. Something really fucking bad happened to Rian, and I can’t help but to feel that it’s my fault. I drop my phone, ignoring Zack’s attempts to call me and find a way to get to the hospital.

I’m standing in Rian’s room less than a half an hour later.

“Hey,” he says, quietly.

“What the fuck happened?” I ask, sitting down next to him. He raises his right hand weakly, showing me stitches down his arm.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

“Hey, it’s not your fault.”

“Then what happened?” I ask.

“I-I’m just overwhelmed. Everything became too…much. I don’t even know if I wanted to die…maybe I do. I’m feeling emotions I haven’t had in over a year and I don’t know what to do, Alex.”

“I get it, Ri. Just...please don’t. I don’t know what else to say. I’ll help you.” Rian half-smiles.

“I don’t know if you can fix me.”

“I can’t. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try,” I tell him.

“I love you, Lex.”

“You do?”

“Don’t be stupid. Just because I’m really pissed, doesn’t mean I stopped loving you.”

“Are we ever going to talk about it?”

“Not now,” he says, quietly, pointing to the door where Jack and Zack are coming in. “Hey, guys.” Jack comes and sits next to me, while Zack sits on the end of Rian’s bed.

“Did you tell him?” I whisper to Jack. He slightly nods.

“We all need to talk,” Zack says.

“Are you up for it?” I ask Rian.

“Yeah. I have to spend the next three days of my life in a psyche ward, I need to get it off my chest now,” he responds.

“Rian, I am so, so fucking sorry. I-I still have some feelings for Jack. I have since eighth grade…and I guess I just never got over him. Obviously, I love you so much more. I’m so fucking in love with you, but you have a right to know that,” I start. Rian sighs.

“I know. I don’t know if you remember, but when we started dating, you warned me you still had feelings for your ex. By process of elimination, I figured it was Jack. I didn’t care because I trusted you. I fucking trusted you, Lex.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was so in the wrong here, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“Let’s not pretend this was all Alex’s fault,” Jack interrupts. “Yeah, he initiated it, but I’m the one who dared him to do it. And, I didn’t stop him. I never pushed him off, I never did anything. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Zack, because I basically cheated. I’m sorry Rian, because I helped your boyfriend cheat. And Alex, I’m sorry I messed with your emotions like that.”

“Jack, I forgive you, as long as you swear you kissed him back just because it was a good kiss, and you have absolutely no feelings for him,” Zack finally adds in.

“I swear.”

“Guys, I’m so, so sorry for fucking this all up,” I say quietly.

“Alex, you made a mistake. It’s okay,” Zack tells me.

“Thank you, Zack.” 

“We should give them a minute,” Jack says. Zack nods, and then leave me to be alone with Rian.

“Rian, I don’t know what else to do. I know it’s only been a couple of days, so if you need time, that’s okay. I just need to know if you can accept it, because if you can’t, I don’t want to be wasting your time,” I tell him, my eyes starting to water. I don’t want to leave Rian, but I can’t hurt him like this.

“Alex…I don’t want to break up with you. I will accept it, I’m just so incredibly hurt and I don’t know how well I can trust you anymore,” he admits.

“I know, I totally get it, but all I need to know is if you want to be my boyfriend still.” Rian smiles in just the slightest.

“I made the promise to marry you. You know I’m not backing out of that.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“Alex, I love you, okay? You couldn’t make me stop loving you.”

“I love you, Ri-Ri.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR tw: lots of description of bulimia, and pretty graphic self harm. probably the most triggering chapter so far, this was mostly just a vent chapter for myself, so if you don't want to read, you can skip this. stay safe please <3

Zack had to leave early because he was still technically grounded, so Jack just ended up walking me home from the hospital. We’re silent mostly the whole way, but he gives me an incredibly long hug once we get to my house.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers. Jack is probably right, but not for today.

As soon as I walk in my front door, I know it’s going to be a bad night. I’ve felt at a total loss of control of everything recently, and I’ve been trying to ignore it. Now, it’s all catching up to me, and there’s only two ways I know how to feel in control again.

I pick up my phone and order an entire pizza. While waiting, I grab my vape pen. It does work to destress me, but now instead of being pretty depressed and pretty stressed, I’m extremely depressed.

I leave only a couple slices of pizza, so I have something to eat for the week. Afterwards, I eat an entire container of cold pasta that I made last week. I’m starting to feel awful, but I don’t stop. I find a full thing of ice cream, and eat all of it.

I sit in the bathroom and start puking my guts out. I puke up everything I ate, and even after, I keep going because I don’t seem to know how to stop.

When I’m finally done, I start sobbing. It’s gotten so bad I can’t breathe, and can’t move except for my body shaking.

I manage to reach into the shower for my razor. I throw it on the ground as hard as I can, and it breaks in half, and I take the blade, opening up my skin.

First cut for hurting Rian.

Second cut for not being there for him when he needed it the most.

Third cut for telling Jack the things I told him because he doesn’t deserve to have that extra stress.

Fourth cut for almost fucking up Jack and Zack’s relationship.

Fifth cut for almost fucking up mine.

Sixth cut for no other reason then I fucking deserve it.

It was only six cuts, but my light blue jeans are soon stained to a dark red. I can’t stand up, knowing I’ll pass out from a combination of dehydration, blood loss, and pain. So, I’m forced to just sit and watch all of the blood dry up.

I do manage to eventually get up, and realize how disgusting I look. And, I feel even worse. My hands, left arm, and jeans are all almost saturated with blood. Not to mention my bathroom floor. My stomach and throat hurt worse then I’ve ever experienced before. My arm just feels kind of numb now.

I silently go downstairs to my kitchen to get some water, and use the sink to wash off my hands and arm. I’ll worry about my bathroom tomorrow.

I change into shorts once I get to my bedroom, and lay down. I try to vape, but end up just coughing for around five minutes. This is a sign to me that I should sleep. And, I do, but it’s not restful in any way. I wake up almost every hour due to pain.

I guess that’s what I get, right?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussion of self harm and bulimia

I don’t remember the last few days too well. I know that Jack and Zack came over on the first day, and Jack came over on the second. I know it’s been almost forty-eight hours since I’ve last talked to anybody.

I don’t notice Rian coming in until he’s laying in my bed with me.

“You’re back,” I say, softly.

“I am.”

“How was the hospital?”

“Shit,” he laughs dryly. “But, did you expect any better?”

“I’m sorry, babe,” I whisper.

“Hey, don’t be. My own fucking fault. I’m worried about you right now.”

“Why?” I ask, surprised.

“Maybe because you haven’t been at school in four days.”

“I’ll go tomorrow,” I say, in an attempt to appease him.

“Can’t. Today was the last day,” he reminds me.

“Oh.”

“So, what’s been going on?”

“Absolutely nothing,” I respond, which isn’t a total lie, because I probably got out of my bed around a total of seven times in the last four days. Rian silently rolls up my sleeves.

“Obviously not nothing.”

“Those are from a few days ago. I’m fine, Rian.” Rian just sighs.

“I wish you would stop saying that.”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“How about you try actually telling me what the fuck is wrong?” He raises his voice slightly, which lowkey freaks me out, but I know he’s right.

“I’m sorry.”

“Alex, I can’t keep having this fight with you.”

“All we fucking do is fight,” I whisper.

“Is that really how you feel about our relationship?” He asks. No, it’s not how I feel. Rian makes me so happy, and our relationship is my favorite thing in the world. 

“No. I just don’t know to talk about these things, Rian. I don’t know how to tell you. I hate talking about myself, and I’m so, so fucking scared of hurting you.”

“Don’t you understand I’m going to find out either way? Do you realize how much it hurts me when I see the times you hated yourself so much that you took it out on your wrists? Do you realize how much it fucking hurts whenever I’m at your house and can hear you making yourself gag after locking yourself in the bathroom?”

“I never thought about that,” I say, after a minute of silence.

“No, you didn’t, because you’re always so fucking worried about not hurting anybody, that you end up messing up your relationships with the people who love you.”

“Am I messing up our relationship?” I ask, even though I’m terrified of the answer. 

“What you’re doing is starting to, and I don’t know if I can keep dealing with this.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'll be uploading now, but the updates will probably slightly slower. thanks for hanging in here with me
> 
> tw: none. warning of lots of sexual content. none of it goes into detail, it's all implied (the actual sex isn't talked about at all), but i understand sexual scenes can make people uncomfortable, so if you'd like to skip, it starts right after alex falls asleep with rian.

I’ve probably cried in front of Rian over thirty times, but still, every time I do it, I can’t help but to feel awful about it and myself. Today is no exception.

“Maybe you should just leave me now then,” I say, between breaths.

“Wait, Alex, no that’s not what I meant. I just meant that it’s hurting me so badly, and I can’t stand to see you in pain, and it’s going to start making our relationship fall apart. I didn’t mean I want to leave you, though. We just have to talk these things through, okay?”

“Okay…okay. I can try to work on it.”

“I’ll help you,” he says, kissing my forehead. “You need to know how much people love you.”

“I do. Kind of.”

“Good. Now get up,” he tells me.

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care, get up.” I sigh and slowly get out of my bed. “I’m going to take you on a date.”

“Really?” I ask, lighting up.

“Yes. Babe, when was the last time you took a shower?” He asks, scrunching up his nose.

“I don’t want to say,” I admit.

“Go shower. And, change clothes. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Okay,” I say, kissing him quickly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I walk into the bathroom and take a quick shower. I decide to try to look semi-nice, because Rian is being amazing. I put on a black t-shirt and dark ripped skinny jeans, and to make it better, I add a red jacket, a black and white scarf, and fingerless grey gloves. I probably look extremely extra, but right now, I don’t give a semblance of a fuck.

I walk down my stairs, both fairly terrified and really excited for Rian to see how I look.

“Awww, baby, you look so pretty,” he says, kissing my cheek. 

“Thank you,” I respond, slipping my hand into his. “So, where are we going?” I ask, once we’re outside.

“Let’s go eat first.”

“Shit, I don’t have any money,” I tell him.

“Hey, I’m going to buy you food. Don’t worry about it. Once we get to restaurant, and are sitting down, it’s obvious the waitress is flirting with me. Rian looks extremely uncomfortable, but says nothing.

“I can get you a free drink,” she tells me.

“I’m underage.”

“Well, that’s okay, you look old enough.”

“He just wants water,” Rian cuts in. When she comes back with our drinks, she asks me, 

“How do you feel about giving me your phone number?”

“I don’t know, you’d have to take that up with my boyfriend.” She takes a look at Rian, before muttering,

“Oh,” and finally leaving me alone. 

“I’m sorry, I was going to say something, but I wasn’t sure if you were comfortable with me revealing you were gay…,” Rian trails off.

“No, it’s okay, thank you,” I smile. It was annoying as fuck, but it’s kind of nice being found attractive by more than one person.

Rian orders and eats his massive amount of food because he’s Rian, and I eat a small salad because I’m me and want to keep something down tonight.

“It’s cold,” I complain once we’re outside, because complaining is really all that I’m good at.

“Well, I’d offer you my jacket, but you’re the one who has one,” Rian points out. I smile a little bit, but stop talking until we get to the park. “Why are we here?” I ask. Rian shrugs.

“It’s eight. Nobody’s going to be here except for us.” I sit on one of the swings while he climbs to the top of a slide. “I’m going to jump off.”

“You’re so stupid,” I say, rolling my eyes. He jumps to the ground, landing right on his hands. “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah. An idiot that you love,” he says, sitting down on the swing next to me. 

“True.”

“Woah, look, I got a huge ass cut through my hand,” he shows me.

“That’s gross, Rian.”

“Come on, babe, it’s raining.”

By the time we get back to my house, we’re both soaked. Rian goes through my closet, trying to find clothes. I take off my jacket but leave my shirt on because it’s not that bad, and replace my skinny jeans with shorts.

“I’m tired, Ri-Ri,” I complain, laying down on my bed.

“Alright, baby,” he says, coming to lay down next to me.

“Thank you for taking me out. I really, really needed to leave the house,” I whisper.

“I know,” he pulls me closer to him and that’s how I fall asleep.

I wake up at two in the morning because my body has decided that it’s a great time to tell my dick that I’m horny. I sigh and get out of bed carefully, trying not to wake up Rian.

I sit on the edge of bathtub, trying to get this over with so I can go the fuck back to sleep.

For some reason, I start thinking about Rian. Rian, and his stupid fucking perfect body. Rian, and his stupid fucking beautiful face. Rian, and his stupid fucking hot voice. I gasp a little, and realize I’m getting off a lot faster pretending it’s Rian here.

Of course, I’m close to finishing when I hear Rian in the hallway.

“Alex?” He calls.

“Uh, y-yeah?”

“Are you okay? You’ve been in there for, like, ten minutes.”

“I’m fine,” I say, sighing, pulling my shorts back up and hope that Rian doesn’t notice how prominent my dick is in my shorts. Then again, I realize I honestly don’t care. In fact, I find myself kind of hoping that he does notice. 

I open the bathroom door, and find Rian leaning against the wall in front of me.

“You okay, dude?” He asks.

“I’m fine.” I kiss him, being sure to press my body into his. He moans slightly, then pulls away from me.

“Alex, are you trying to…,” he starts.

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Are you sure that you want to?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Then it’s okay,” he smiles before pushing me into the wall, and kissing me, and grinding up against me.

“Wait,” I say, pulling away a little, “let’s go to my room.” Rian agrees, and soon, he’s gotten all of my clothes off and I’m working on his.

“Are you okay, baby?” He asks.

“Yes, thank you. I can do this. I want to do this.” I’m honestly really nervous, but it’s not like last time. I know that I want to do it this time.

Rian nods and takes a deep breath. 

I honestly don’t know why I never did that before. However, as fucking amazing as it was, neither Rian or I finish.

“Blow me?” He asks. I nod and sit on my knees and take Rian into my mouth. He moans slightly, and pulls me closer to him. “Alex, fuck, baby, I’m so close.” I slowly take my mouth off of him and he finishes jacking himself off, because I refuse to swallow, because that’s gross.

Rian sits back on the bed and leans towards me and slowly uses his hand to start getting me off. I don’t know how to tell him this is everything I’ve dreamed about. Rian, and his stupid fucking ability to make my knees weak every time he raises his arms and I get to see just a little bit of his perfect body.

My body slowly starts shaking, but in the best way possible. And for just a moment, my mind completely blacks out.

“If I knew it was that amazing, I would’ve let you do it so much earlier,” I say after a minute of catching my breath. Rian laughs a little bit and gives me my clothes back.

“Well, I’ll be here to do it anytime you want to,” he says, kissing my cheek.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: fairly graphic cutting and mention of burning. overall depression.

The week or so after I slept with Rian I’m on the top of the fucking world. I haven’t felt this happy since ninth grade. It was amazing.

Then, I wake up on the morning of graduation. I wake up dreading the day and having to live my life. For a second, I just think that it’s my depression coming back. I had awhile of happiness, and now it’s crashing down. That’s usually what happens, so I try to ignore it.

It’s not long before I realize that this is different. I’m not just depressed, I’m literally completely numb. I can’t feel anything.

I don’t know how, but I got myself to get up and dressed. It takes me over an hour just to change my clothes, but I do it.

Jack is about to be here to pick me up, so I go downstairs and try to ignore my feelings (rather, lack thereof). 

“Hey. You look like shit,” he says. I give him the best laugh I can and climb into his car. “You alright?” He asks after a few minutes of me not responding to anything he says.

“Yeah. Just nervous, I guess.”

“Well, don’t be. I want to see that energy that you’ve had for the past week.” I wish I had that happiness back. I wish I had fucking something.

I wish I could tell you how graduation went. It’s mostly blurry in mind. I remember the end when Jack, Rian, and Zack all went to their families and I smiled because they’re my friends and I was happy for them. They made it.

I made it too, it just doesn’t feel like it. 

Afterwards, we had this plan to sleep over at Zack’s. I bailed, though, earning a fair amount of concern from my friends. As horrible as it is, and as horrible as I am, I didn’t care.

I take the bus home silently. I honestly can’t fully remember going upstairs to my bedroom and taking a blade to my wrist.

I remember the blood dripping down, once again staining my already dark red jeans. I remember the cold feeling against my skin.

I can’t remember the pain though. Holy fuck, I just need to feel something.

I try burning, not even bothering to clean up the blood, it will stain anyways. I press the straightener to my stomach this time, trying to fucking get something. It hurts, for sure, but it doesn’t make me any less numb like it usually does.

The only time I’ve left my bed in the last three days is to piss and get water. I’ve spent the rest of my time vaping, eating from my secret stash under my bed, and helplessly cutting myself open over and over again.

On the first day, I ate so much that my body automatically threw it all up because it’s not used to keeping so much in. I didn’t care and kept eating.

On the second day, I notice how much my phone has been vibrating, but I just can’t find it in myself to pick it up. I can’t find it in myself to feel bad about it either.

On the third day, it hasn’t stopped. There’s only one thing left for me to do.


End file.
